


Small Mercies

by Caprichoso



Series: A Father's Failures [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Canon Trans Character, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 17:38:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4358249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caprichoso/pseuds/Caprichoso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a good father to all his children meant failing the one who most needed his protection. In the wake of Nanika's emergence, Silva and Kikyo discuss Alluka's fate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Small Mercies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [silvercistern](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvercistern/gifts).



> Here’s a story based on silvercistern‘s brilliant Tumblr meta about Silva and the Zoldyck family. I’ve taken what I see as the awful cocktail of decisions and pressures facing Silva regarding Alluka, and thrown them all together. He does what he feels is right; I leave it up to you to pass judgment on him, or to withhold it. The mention of another name for Alluka is my own personal headcanon; if you like it, feel free to use it.
> 
> Warnings: transphobia and gross mishandling of parenting a trans child, in addition to heavily prescriptive gender roles in the context of a loveless and spiteful marriage. This is not a happy family, nor is it a family of good people.

_“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”  
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina_

* * *

As Silva entered his bedchamber, undoing the sash on his robe and letting it fall open even before the door slid shut, an uncustomary presence lying in his bed made him raise an eyebrow. “Oh? You’re back to sleeping in here again, my cherished wife?”

“Don’t be silly, my darling husband,” Kikyo oozed, sliding from the bed to approach him. “I fully intend to spend the night in my own bed. I merely came to discuss recent events with you.”

“Ah, yes,” Silva replied, not bothering to tie his robe again. The desire between them was long dead; its final death throes had been years ago, hideous convulsions not even the most optimistic observer could have mistaken for passion, and had led to the birth of their youngest child. “You’ve come to pour poison in my ear just like you poison our children’s food?”

“I would hardly call it such, but you do have a way of seeing the worst in me regardless of my true intent. However, I hope you can set aside your spite for me long enough to come to an agreement. We must present a united front for their sake, after all. Especially in regards to this business with Alucard.”

With a sigh that came from his very bones, Silva closed his eyes. “Allu- _ka_ , Kikyo. Alluka. He’s fought tooth and nail for that name. It’s a single syllable away from the one we chose; surely you can give him at least that much? The boy has a hard enough road ahead of him, especially now.”

“I’m not in the habit of rewarding poor behavior, unlike what’s become of the man I married. You seem to think you broke Illumi by being too strict, and ever since, you’ve spoiled the rest of them. They’ll never grow to their full potential if–”

“If we give them the slightest bit of autonomy?” The Zoldyck patriarch did not raise his voice, but his tone made his mood clear. “You’re a poor excuse for a mother, you know; dictator would have been a far more suitable role.”

“At times, being the former calls for me to be the latter. I do whatever is best for my children, Silva. I only wish you would do the same.”

“We could argue this point for hours,” he said, then let out another sigh. “We  _have_  argued this point for hours. I doubt we’ll make progress on it tonight.”

With a curt nod, Kikyo held out one hand in a welcoming gesture. “Shall we move on to the real discussion, then?”

Silva held up a finger. “First, a concession. From now on, our youngest child is called Alluka, until he says otherwise. You will use that name, and only that name. No ‘slip-ups,’ no confusing our other children with the so-called truth just because you and I wanted a son named Alucard.”

“And what do I receive in return?” Kikyo asked, folding her arms.

“A discussion in which I give your opinion any consideration whatsoever,” said Silva, eyes glinting with something akin to malice. “You seem to be in the habit of forgetting our marriage vows, so let me remind you of the arrangement to which you agreed. You are my wife, the mother of my children. I am the head of the Zoldyck clan. You are welcome to offer me advice, but ultimately, the final authority on all decisions affecting this family lies with me, and me alone. For good or ill, I bear that responsibility. Not you. Is that understood,  _wife_?” The last word was laced with more poison than they had pumped into Illumi’s blood throughout years of training.

Kikyo’s visor pulsed bright red, and her hands curled to fists, but after a moment she took a deep breath and nodded. “Quite clear,  _husband_.” Her voice carried the same tone with which a recalcitrant slave might say _master_.

“Very good,” said Silva, a patronizing smile settling on his face. “Now, what is our youngest son’s name?”

A snarl twisted otherwise statuesque features. “Al-lu-ka,” she spat.

“Excellent. Now, what are your concerns regarding Alluka?”

“Oh, simple worries, my dear,” mocked his wife, “Little things only a mother notices. For example, our youngest son is an uncontrollable monster, an abomination with unspeakable power. But I’m sure you haven’t noticed anything of the sort, being so busy pandering to his every whim. Will you be buying him dresses next to satisfy that little delusion as well?”

“A touch of civility would do you wonders, Kikyo,” Silva droned, dispassionate fingers tapping on one thigh. “I might even be so overwhelmed by your manners that I give your advice as much weight as a suggestion from one of our butlers.” His courteous smile fell far short of his eyes, just as it was meant to do. “As for the monster, I’m afraid I have noticed. At this point, given what I’ve seen, I doubt it can be removed or controlled. And as long as there are requests and wishes being made, our family is in grave danger.”

“Then you are willing to do what must be done?”

Steepling his fingers, Silva looked over the top of them at that cursed visor. “What, exactly, do you believe that entails?”

One hand went to a cocked hip. “If it cannot be controlled, it must be destroyed, regardless of the–”

“No.” Silva’s voice dropped to a growl, hands dropping back down to his sides. “I will not murder my own child out of fear.”

“You would let us all die instead?” she spat, incredulous.

“Stop being so eager to kill him just because he disappoints you, Kikyo. Tomorrow, I will lock Alluka away, forever if need be. With no outside contact, there are no requests, no wishes to be granted. I will protect him from everyone, including himself.” He looked down, fingers twitching with the desire to become a fist. “Including us.”

“Silva the Merciful,” Kikyo jeered, clasping her hands in a pious gesture. “Your children will sing your praises… till the day they’re killed by people who weren’t coddled all their lives by a doting father.”

The smile on Silva’s face was crooked, bittersweet. “I’m not sure if Alluka’s fate is more merciful, or even crueler. He’ll finally have everything he could possibly ask for, but no one with whom to share it. The epitome of the gilded cage.”

“Everything?” Kikyo’s voice turned curious. “You don’t mean to say that you’ll let him…”

“Live as a girl?” Silva nodded. “Dresses, dolls, stuffed animals, anything he desires. If he gets tired of that and wants to be a boy, he’ll have those things available to him as well.”

“Feeding his psychosis to assuage your own guilt,” she sneered. “Truly, you are a masterpiece of failure as a parent.”

Folding his arms over his chest, Silva inclined his head ever so slightly. “You’re correct, to some extent; I’m locking my child away for life. Providing him what little happiness I can give him counts as nothing against that monumental failure, but I’m not doing it for myself. I’m doing it for him.”

“And I assume my opinion on this matter means nothing, despite our agreement?”

“Our agreement was that I would listen,” he said. “I am listening. Do you have a valid, logical objection to Alluka finally being allowed something he’s insisted on since he was able to speak?”

Kikyo’s hands flew into the air. “The psychological damage of propagating this fantasy–”

“Alluka won’t see the outside world for the rest of his life, Kikyo.  _That_  is psychologically damaging.” Spreading his hands, Silva looked at his wife, hoping to find some empathy behind that mechanical gaze, just for once. “What conceivable difference does it make, apart from the damage to your ego, whether he wears pants or dresses or animal costumes or nothing at all?”

“You’re taking my son away from me!” she shrieked, fists clenched.

Silence stretched between them. After several eternities, Silva sighed and nodded, eyes sliding shut. “Yes, I am. I am taking away the son you were so ready to kill. But not because I’m letting him–  _her_ ,” he corrected, “Make a choice, but because  _I’m_ making a choice, one that makes me more of a monster than whatever is living inside of her.” Opening his eyes, he gestured to the door. “Now, if you have nothing further to say, I’ll let you get back to your room. I hope you sleep well, knowing you can blame me for everything. Good night, my dearest wife.”

Kikyo opened her mouth, the beginnings of a protest on her tongue, but with a miraculous effort, she restrained herself and simply strode away, yanking the door open and slamming it behind her with all the strength of the Zoldyck family.

Finally alone with his thoughts, Silva let his robe drop to the floor, wishing his cares were so easy to shed. As he climbed onto the finest bedding money could buy, he contemplated the next morning. There would be ice cream with breakfast, and a dress fitting before lunch. No training, no lectures, no business, nothing but a special day for Alluka with the entire family.

Ice cream and presents were the perfect prelude to a father’s betrayal.


End file.
